I spent part of the last four days doing some introspection thinking. Who am I? What do I want? What do I need? What are my strengths and weaknesses? It’s a good exercise, but not necessarily one that is encouraging. The more I think, the more inadequate I feel in some areas. Yet at the same time, I know I can be proud of some of the things I have accomplished thus far in life. It was after four days that I can really be frank with myself, and even so, putting it down it writing is difficult.

Sometimes. I wonder why I want to put myself through all these. Is the time and financial investment worth it? Not to mention the energy and effort spent into putting it all together. I don’t know if what I intend to do will lead me to where I hope to be, but that’s the thing about the future isn’t it? the fact that you’ll never know what will happen. All I can do is to believe that things will work out and walk down the path you’ve chosen.

I’m not exactly getting the support I need from someone I look up to a lot and I don’t know why. Is it your insecurities? Or is there more to it?  Sometimes, I feel like I’m losing a confidante. Some of our recent conversations have ended with an agreement to disagree. Is it my changing perspective? my idealism as you always put it?  I don’t know and I’m starting to get worried by how things have seemingly changed. I don’t exactly crave words of affirmation, but I would like some encouragement and positivity – not just a ‘do what you need to do’ or you behaving like a wet blanket. Don’t you trust me enough to know that I will at least try to hold my own ground?

It’s uncanny cause I’m gearing towards making my own leap. It’s gonna be a long drawn out process, but I think I should start sooner rather than later. So many considerations and factors when deciding what to do . I already know when I want to do it, but it’s the how and where that I’m agonising over now. The nytimes articles struck a greater chord with me coz it’s about parental opinions and how the columnist’s mother wanted her to live the life that she (the mother) wanted for her (the columnist) which led to a very sad ending. While my parents are not that draconian, I know there are certain expectations and wishes. But I can’t read minds! I can’t please everyone, but I don’t want to be responsible for or be the cause of any unhappiness or unpleasantness. Sigh…

There is so much talk and buzz that this is ‘the‘ elections. Obama was elected based on his call for change and I see the opposition using the same message throughout. It’s all about perception ain’t it? If you are contented with status quo, then why change? If you are not, then of course you’ll want change. Whether the changes are good or bad, it’s a gamble we all have to take. Both sides have their pros and cons. Neither side is totally good nor totally bad. So… big question mark.

I hold the belief that one should not vote for the opposition for the sake of voting for them, but that they should be worthy and credible enough . Think most of the opposition teams have done this for this year, which of course contributed to the huge build up. Huge turnouts for the opposition rallies compared to those held by PAP. Of course, everyone wants to hear what the opposition says. Afterall, we already know what the incumbents will say. Whether this translates to votes, we will only know tonight.

Much has been said about the keenly contested Aljunied GRC. Most ppl, myself included, believe it’s too close to call and it’s where the opposition has the biggest chance to take a GRC. I would honestly be pretty torn between the two if I resided in Aljunied. How do you decide between five risk-taking, outstanding individuals and a dedicated/reputable minister? It’s not fair to ‘punish’ the ruling party by just taking any of them down. Are we unhappy with all of them in general? or with just some of the other ministers who will nonetheless be elected, and likely hold on to their previous portfolios? But then again, this is just one of the many things that seem to have backfired on this electoral system. Another example, because surveys/exit polls are not allowed, there is less certainty/prediction on what will happen. So everyone will just sweat it out lor.

Can’t believe there is so much hoohah over the POSSIBILITY of ONE opposition team winning ONE constituency… Yes, granted it’s a GRC. guess it’s a baby step… but still a step nevertheless… Maybe more black horses in and interesting results in store… Whatever the outcome tonight, I think the biggest takeaway from the GE though.. is that younger Singaporeans are NOT that apathetic about politics. Coming in a close second is that politics have evolved and the parties should start using social media to engage the voters. Tough choices ahead…

I had an interesting dinner today with someone I just met… I agreed to it even though my gut feel told me no. It wasn’t exactly him (maybe it was me?), and it wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy dinner, but there is really no need to mumble through three-quarters of the dinner on random, useless stuff. I would rather have gotten to know him better. At least I can judge you on your likes/interests/lifestyle. I still think he’s a nice enough guy, but sorry, we just don’t suit.

A couple of pointers for guys on what not to do when trying to get to know a girl -

- Please do not wear polo shirt and jeans when it’s a work night. Chances are, the girl will turn up in office clothes and make you look super under-dressed.

- Do NOT insinuate that the girl is fat. TMD! I know i’m not super skinny, but saying sth along the lines of  ”Oh, I didn’t expect you to be in PR cause of the way you look and I didn’t know you were so sociable” (at least this was the gist of what he said) is just plain digging your own grave. *stabs at figurine*

- Stop trying to tell stories if you can’t remember the details. If you can’t even remember the name of the protagonist, please skip the story.

- I’m really not interested to learn how earth was formed. Seeing your surprise reaction to how I know about the ozone layer and the ‘big bang’ theory is just plain insulting.

- Do NOT ask me whether Einstein and Newton are the same person. The last I checked, neither Albert Newton or Isaac Einstein existed.

- Unless you feel really strongly that you need to inform the girl of your political affiliations or your views on politics, please leave this topic alone. It’s a potentially divisive topic.

- Do not say things like “做有钱人最好” cause we are not. period. Also, why complain about the cost of living and how Singapore is not an ideal place to live in? I happen to be quite ok staying on this sunny island. Thanks.

- Do not pepper your sentences with ‘i heard’, ‘my friend said’. Just say what you think or know.

- Please text in decent English with proper grammar. Speak the same way if possible. if your ‘england’ is not that good, I can try to converse in mandarin. But if your mandarin is also not good, I can’t help you.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or rude or anything. I’m not exactly annoyed either. Just that I think we could have avoided this whole episode if I just knew how to say ‘no’. So I guess the fault’s as much mine as yours.  I don’t mean to illustrate the gulf between us or to ‘one-up’ you, but it just happened. Maybe you could have found out more bout me first. I think I’m a simple enough person to understand. I admit I have a wide variety of interest. Why then couldn’t we have found sth in common to talk about?

truth be told, 2010 was a tiring year at work. I witnessed how maliciousness and negativity can affect people and moods. Saw how distrust can build up and friendships destroyed. Being caught in the middle is not very easy and its trying, but am also glad I’m not the protagonist. Is there really such a need for things to get to this state? Hoping for a more positive work environment in the year ahead.

still on the work front, there was a constant overwhelming sense of tiredness. maybe cause of the increase challenges. Tons of upheavals and feelings of discontentment but at the same time, I’m appreciative of the opportunities and things that come my way. Stay positive! Learn from every experience!

2010 was also about taking the first step to realising my next dreams. Much more work to come in the year ahead, but will press on and see how things go. Should not just plan, but set things in motion.

Took my annual sabbatical to Hong Kong with my family. Spent close to two wonderful weeks recharging in Perth. enough said.

To my wonderful family and friends who have been with my through the good and bad times the past year…

Caught Jay Chou in concert this year (high!). other than that, caught a few more movies. Loved Inception.

Took the plunge and permed my hair. Like it! went to Marina Barrage and fell in love with the place. Kite flying soon anyone?

two of my overseas friends visited and enjoyed reconnecting and being the tour guide…

towards the end of the year, I embarked on a more disciplined lifestyle and am seeing the result. Never imagine that it would happen, but sometimes, a switch just goes on in your had that says ‘Why not?’. Going to the gym has become somewhat habitual and I daresay I’ve become a slightly healthier person this year end compared to when I started. Finally went for a full health screening and am glad all bodily functions and organs are seemingly in order

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For 2011, I hope to

a. not be too jaded at work and at relationships. Think before I speak and bitch about people cause what goes around gets increasingly exaggerated. Words can be misinterpreted and actions misconstrued

b. Learn to leap and not be afraid of changes. Sometimes, more chices may not necessarily be a good thing…

c. go on a nice long break… Japan? US? Europe?

d. maintain my new-found discipline and lifestyle

e. get my iPhone!!!! (so frivolous)

f. Learn a new skill or sport.

g. Learn to give back…

Maybe its because working life is so cyclical. It really doesn’t really matter whether it is 2010 or 2011. In fact, the calendar restarts itself at the advent of a new year (as with all annual events and commitments). Anyway, nothing’s gonna change next Monday. Perhaps there was a sense of ‘newness’ when we were still in school…

That said, shall spend the evening having a good rest, reflecting on the year that past and pampering my face. Hoping to start the new year off with a bang with close friends, fun and hope!

But somehow, i dunno why i always seem to draw the shorter end of the stick. Yes, I should be positive and take them as opportunities. but at the same time, there is only so much without being feeling exploited. It all boils down to perceived fairness and equity at the end of the day right? (think i shall not regurgitate whatever I can remember about motivation at work… hahaha…) and I only have so much intrinsic motivation.

I’m so looking forward to the break. Tomorrow will be a long day cause there are tons of things to clear before I leave…

so… after like 3 weeks of mainly eating soupy stuff and trying to avoid sweets (of course I do cheat.. like cheesecake after the Harry Potter movie), but my weight has been dropping slowly but steadily over the past weeks.  And I kinda find it gratifying cause there’s results! Wahahahas… It is especially satisfying after tennis lessons cause I usually lose even more water weight. Of  course, I’ll drink and replenish them. But still can be happy for a while ma.

Of course I’ll get hungry and stuff.. but its not unbearable… and I’m frankly quite amazed at how I can survive on a bit of carbs everyday only. The only problem is I’ll end up with a lot of wasted food, which I feel quite bad about cause I dun finish my food now. If I’m home, it’s fine cause I just take less rice. But when I eat out, regardless of how I tell the vendors I want ‘less rice/noodles/beehoon’, I still can’t finish what they give me. I dun think I will go on forever watching the food I eat and what not. but I think I can last longer than I thought I would. Wahahahahs…

I realise i tend to write in here when i’m facing probs and are at crossroads.. Maybe I should also write down the happy stuff… so that it’s not just negative memories when I read my entries.